Haha. I’m actually queuing up at the checkpoint in singapore blogging this on my phone. Its very cool to do this. Cooler if i’ve got my dream phone to do this with.lol. Anyway,yes I’m coming home! Like,right now! I can hardly wait! Oh,home! How i’ve longed for you! I miss everyone back home! Yay! Gonna live life to the fullest once i’m back home! Eat, sleep, play and do work. But the first three, i shall do with a conviction that i lack here in singapore. Hahaha! I’m mad. Catch you guys soon!

I thought the worse was over. I was wrong. I was hopping my way back to my seat with my homework just now, when I somehow lost my balance and my footing, and almost fell off my seat.

And you know what was bad? I was on video. And Jeff saw the whole thing. He froze. And then I started laughing like a mad woman. Cause it was hilariously embarrassing.

Damn!

HAHAHAHA!

I thought today was ok. I THOUGHT. But I guess not. I woke up with my right thumb feeling painful, like I got whacked by a hammer. Didn’t think it was going to bother me but it did, since I lost all sense of strength on my right thumb. Pain shoots through the minute I apply any sort of pressure on that thumb. And then it was one of my bad hair days. That’s just the superficial layer, I even had to carry my heavy laptop to school! Was busy doing up photos for Open House booth after class from 2, til like 6 when I finally got them done. Then they say the pictures aren’t good enough, and that we need really high resolution pictures. Darn.

I reached home around 715pm, with my dinner, almost starving at that point, but I had no appetite to eat. So after bathing, I started on dinner, but I felt that…something wasn’t really right. I WAS RIGHT, my CHICKEN became PORK! I was devastated! I asked for CHICKEN and I got PORK! AHHHH! The HORROR! The minute I saw the meat, I KNEW! AHHH! Sniff. And my kimchi tasted funny today. It was…funnily sour. I just stopped picking on it just in case, it turned bad. Sniff. There goes half my dinner. What I really ate, I don’t know. But I was a little content with my rice and the veggies.

And then, do you know what’s the climax of the night??? My faulty table mirror decided to really break off its handle, fell over, and toppled my bottle of cough syrup off my table! Down it fell, and ‘KRACK!’ Glass shards and cough syrup everywhere. I was cursing at that point. And started to clear up. I was a bit paranoid about getting hurt, but brushed it off. Then I realized I didn’t know how to clean broken glass, so I went to ask my aunt’s help. I went back to my room to help shift the table when I stepped on the plastic bag containing glass shards, exactly where the glass shards lay. I almost yelled, and bounced on my bed, to look at my poor big toe. Then, droplets of blood started forming and then it wouldn’t stop. I hopped to grab some tissues and realized they were already dripping on the floor. Nasty. Deep cut. Didn’t realize it was so deep then. Thought I punctured holes in my big toe instead. Guess not. :S! Cause I was literally losing wads of tissues soaked with blood and then large droplets on the floor which can actually form a pool of blood if I had not stopped them with tissues. Which could’ve been an interesting scene, but can’t really risk it can I? So I was battling wound and blood outside the living hall, while my aunt helped me clean my room. It was actually still bleeding, even after all the pressure, and then my aunt gave me this funny-smelling Chinese powder thing that smelled like those herbs, and told me to put it on before plaster-ing my toe. Don’t think I had any shards of glass in my toe, but the cut was long, and pretty deep. Sniff.

Hmm, did I mention before that I am completely FASCINATED with blood? I’m SERIOUS. I see blood and I go, ‘Ooooo!’ It’s very interesting! Like…its dark, crimson, red… LOL! I think I shall stop here, and talk about my “fetish” for blood next time round. !

Now the toe is throbbing slightly, and quite…numb. Oh Lord, how am I going to dance tomorrow like this?? And to even PLAY FUTSAL on Wednesday…?? LIKE THIS??? I can’t even wade the sea anymore! (P.S. NR0909, which is my class, is going to East Coast on Wednesday! Class trip! Whee!) Oh, such a pity and inconvenient time to get hurt! HMPH!

I hope my bad luck stops right here. Don’t think I can take anymore bad stuff tonight. Hope tomorrow will be a better day. Sniff.

P.S. My mommy made another Skype account, by mistake. –.- Good GRIEF, she has 5 accounts NOW! I’ve gotta teach her how to stop making accounts! Lol. Oh, did I also mention, she calls me ‘baby’ now? So cute. Miss my family so much.

P.P.S. I’m going back to KL this Sunday! ! Woo-hoo! I can’t wait! And that means, I HAVE TO START PACKING! FAST FAST! !

P.P.P.S. Time for SHOPPING AND GOOD FOOD, BABEH! :D!

- I wasn’t kidding when I say I no longer feel happy the way I used to. I don’t know why. But something’s terribly wrong. It comes and hit me, where and when I’m most vulnerable. It’s terrible. –

Choir’s having a performance on the 27th December. I think I have a high chance of watching them perform. Makes me reminisce about the old times. Then it hit me just how bad I miss singing.

Dancing isn’t something new. I’ve danced before, but I’ve never quite understood the meaning of dance. Ever since I started dancing again…you all showed me just what it means to dance. For the past 8 months, I’ve learned that there’s a meaning behind every move, every step, every groove. Now, I’ve always tried to give my all every time I dance. Yes, I admit, maybe I don’t always give it all, maybe I still lack the passion and the stamina, maybe, just maybe. There are times when I become so so tired, I just don’t want to dance.

It’s just like singing, only slightly different. You sing and you dance, with your heart, mind, and soul. I can proudly say, I do sing with my heart, mind, and soul. With every word, you put life to it, the same as how you give life to every dance.

I’m trying to sing the song through dance. I hope I’ll succeed.

Singing is a passion. Dancing is, too. I just need to truly find it deep down within me.

I know I’m cranky. I know I’m upset. I know I’m distant. I know I’m also not in the best of moods.

It’s probably worse than having mood swings during PMS. Besides, I’m not exactly sure how it’s like to have mood swings.

I know I’m not the best person to be with right now. And I also know, that I’m probably draining all your time and energy. But I can’t feel now. Because I don’t want to feel. I’m too tired, to want to be happy, or sad.

I couldn’t even express myself through dance tonight. I wonder if I can even express myself through a song.

But know that…I need you to stay strong, for me. Even if I’m breaking into pieces right in front of your eyes now. Because if you leave, then who’s going to pick up my pieces and glue me back together again?

I need you to be here, with me. Even if it seems like I’m pushing you away. I need you to hold me together, even if it feels like I’m going further and further away from you.

Simply, I need you. Even if I’m too thick-faced to admit it. Somehow, you’ll know that’s true.

I’m sorry.

I screwed up.

This one time which I had more confidence than last semester, and I screwed it up. Why did I shut down? Why did this happen to me? Of all days?

Maybe I’m losing myself. Maybe too much is happening to me, this time round. Maybe they’re all right. I got to do something. Before I fall. Before I fall real hard.

I keep telling myself that I can hold it, til the end. Because I don’t give up. Because I don’t want to give up.

Tonight I’m going to wallow in my own self-pity. In my own sorrow. Indulge in my own stupidity.

I had a choice this evening. But I let it slipped past me, and it was then too late for any choices. And tonight I can choose…

To forget about this, and move on…OR

To indulge in my own self-pity and just allow myself to be upset, just for tonight.

…and I think I’m just going to give in to myself. I’m going to choose to be upset tonight. Just for this once. Just for tonight. Forget being positive. Not for tonight.

I’m going to go have my chocolates. It’s probably the only thing in the world that I can focus on until I forget. Even if it’s only temporary.

Really, I think all you readers gotta go find a happier blog. This one is turning dark and nasty, lately. Sigh.

Happy Anniversary, love.

Thanks for everything. Truly, everything. You’re there with me, through my brightest hours and darkest days. Up, down, left, right, you’re always there.

You know I can say much more than this. But I guess, you already know what I want to say? Besides, it feels a lot better to say it when you’re here with me, no?

I’ll save those 3 words til the next time I see you. *winks*

Not one single bit. After all I’ve done, lied, and even covered up for YOU, you’re just not worth this pain. Not now, not anymore. Because I can’t take this pain anymore. I can’t keep getting hurt by someone like you. If you can’t appreciate me, if you can’t understand me, if you can’t even acknowledge my feelings, thoughts, emotions…then you’re just not worth it.

Because these tears deserve better than you. I deserve something better. Much better.

I’m sick again. Dang it! How low can my immune system possibly get??? This is the third time *I think* this year, that I’ve fallen sick! And not to mention, I just BARELY recovered like a week ago from this horrendous cough that was plaguing my life! This time, this flu virus has caught me so easily! I’m doomed! *cries*

*****

So it never was, and it never will be. I’ve only been tricking myself all these time. When I thought that something good can really come out from this. But it was all a big, fat, illusion. A mirage. Something that never was there, and never will be there. It was all a LIE. You’ll never get over your own jealousy and paranoia. And I can never live with that. So we can never even come close to be. Because I hate being controlled over your own needs and pathetic behaviour. I hate being your puppet on a string, with you trying to take over MY life, simply because you think you’re high and mighty. Well, a surprise for you. You’re NOT. I don’t deserve any of this, no matter what you even THINK. No matter how much you think you’re playing God, and making me deserve shit from you, well, I don’t. I have my rights, even if you think I don’t. I have the rights to live MY life the way I want to. And you are nobody to even stop me from doing it. Even if you think you hold the trump cards now. God will get back to you one day, and I will wait for that one day to come, if you decide to even lay the cards down. Because if you do, then you’re nothing but a pathetic moron who is just plain desperate and evil and has no care for anyone’s feelings in the world.

P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. & E-V-I-L.

I’ll spell it out for you if you can’t understand English, or get that into your head.

You betrayed me. You said I used you, more than you used me. That’s not true. It hurts to hear from you that it’s all about the money now. And to think…that you think I don’t hurt. That I don’t suffer as much as you do, or even suffer in the first place. It’s despicable. Because in truth, you don’t think about my feelings. It has always been about you. Only I was a big idiot to believe your words, your lies, your promises. You tell me you were sorry, even when I told you not to say it if you don’t mean it. You still do. Which makes it completely useless, because you don’t mean it at all. It didn’t come from your heart, it came from your mouth. All those ‘beautiful lies’ you fed me. I believed in everything you said to me. Only to know they’re all just lies to tie me to you. I used to think, that if anyone were to tell me that our friendship won’t work out, I’d stand up for us. I had insisted in believing that it was all worth it, that it will work out, that we can overcome anything. I’d tell them they’re wrong.

Not anymore.

We were so convinced that we were right. Guess we weren’t. I was all wrong. You said we’d always have each other, through good and through bad. But I guess I was wrong in trusting that too. You only had you right from the start. It was all about you. About getting what you want. And if you didn’t, you’d throw a tantrum like a child. Only much worse. Because now that you’re all grown up, you think it’d be so cool to scare someone with your ‘authority’. To make them do as you please. And then hurt them, torture them, and make them wither in pain and die, as you think they should. With no dignity, and no second chances, no mercy and no pride. Because no one is worth even the soil of your feet. Because you’re far too great for anyone else. Your malicious thoughts…to hurt them even deeper as they hurt you. How I can even live my days knowing that my ‘best friend’ is this vicious, this cruel? Thoughts like these never crossed my mind. Not to you, not to others. I’ve never wished you ill. But you don’t know, you cannot imagine how deep it cuts, to know that you…you, whom I had once told others that you were my best friend, can actually…think of such ill fate to get back at me. Such sweet revenge for you.

I hope you’re happy.

Because I have more things to worry about, and to actually anticipate the day when you would destroy all that I have, it’s more than I can actually take. Maybe one day, when I’m no longer around, you may wish me something good perhaps? Maybe if you see something that reminds you of me, you might smile? Like I said, you are one lesson I will never forget. One mistake I made, and one regret I will have to live for the rest of my life. 

- God, forgive this sinner of yours. Cleanse me thoroughly with your love, your forgiving heart, and your pure soul. Forgive me, forgive me for everything I have done. Lead me back to the right path, and give me strength to stay on the road you’ve designed for me. Hold me back from temptations offered by those who has gone astray. Give me new life. Let me be strong to stand up again, should I ever fall. I will prove to you, that I WILL pick myself up, no matter how bad my fall is. No matter how bad THIS fall will be. Because I have you, even if I don’t pray to you often. Because I know, you have always been there, guiding me. And you always will be there for me. Always. -