I could really use a wish right now.

22 Aug

I need to get better, reliable food companions. I’m serious. Either that I have to start venturing out on my own. Which I can positively tell you it is NOT fun at all! People are either broke, non-responsive or just…unavailable with no particular reasons. Doesn’t help with the fact that Jeff’s not in the country, rawr, makes me more alone with no company. Everyone’s got their own programmes and schedules and it’s so hard to squeeze into someone’s time. Sniff. Jeff’s coming back next week, yay! But I’ll be having my exams right after and then I’d be zooming back home the day after my last paper! Home sweet home! ♥ Only difference is that I won’t be going back to the same home (I’m still very upset about this) and most of my friends won’t be around anymore. They’re mostly flying off to U.K. and Kim’s still in South Africa and I’m not so sure if Devis is free to meet up just as often. One thing for sure, I definitely need to SHOP and EAT my heart out once I get home. I miss my mom’s home-cooked food! And I definitely miss cooking and baking at home. Darn. In my head, the image of me cooking and baking still happen in my ex-home. Now I’d have to be doing the cooking and baking in the other home I’m so not a happy bunny. Hmph! Now I’m even further away from Iman’s home and doesn’t help that she’s leaving 8 days after I return! Waaaaaaahhhhhh! *bursts into tears* Why is everyone leaving me???? :’( Sniff.

Not fun that over here I have to really search for good companions to even hang out with, now that I’m going back, I have to search AGAIN?! Sigh. The people I have would either be working or studying and I’d be having my holidays…alone. Gosh, I need to find something to do! Hmph! I don’t care I’m going to make my dad agree to me having my driving practicals the whole of those 5 weeks! RAWR! I’ll get my license by the end of this year and then I’ll DRIVE myself to places. If there are people I can meet anyway.

That aside, it’s already 2 weeks into my attachment. Going into my third week woo-hoo! Can’t wait for it to end, but I must have the damn discipline to study as well. I don’t need a week off just to study, because I know I won’t. And besides, I’m taking this as a personal challenge to myself. Can I do just as well, or better with all the stress and work, with the time limit and all? If I can pull this off and still achieve, I’d have to say I’ll be rather proud of myself. No, no, I’m not going to need to tell anyone that hey, I had my attachments and still did well for exams, wtf. It’s just my personal achievement. And I know some of my friends will be reading this, but it’s not like I’m going to broadcast my results to them anyway *scoffs*. If you know me well enough, I always need a little push, or rather, a little more stress than normal. But of course, I tend to break when the stress becomes overloaded. Let’s talk about the past 2 weeks.

Honestly, I never quite like being in attachment, no.1 due to the stress I’ll be getting, no.2 I really don’t want to kill anyone. The ‘best part’ would be the experience. Sure, you’ll never get good experiences, but damn, it’d definitely etch deep in your mind. It’s really different – the textbook teaching and real-life experiences. Recently the past 2 weeks, I’ve been quite…demotivated. Well, someone was actually trying to be motivating in a way, by using sarcasm and sharp words that really hurt my ego (You didn’t believe I have an ego? Trust me, it’s bigger than most but I keep it inside – it’s a secret, shhhh). Well, I completely understand how this person was trying to psychologically work my mind so I will work better and change me for the better but, once was quite painful, twice, thrice and then some more got me quite in the dumps for the following days. As much as I keep pushing the negative feelings aside, it really got into me, and I kept telling myself, look girl, it’s all for your own good, this person’s not trying to put you down. But it didn’t work (told you my ego is…well, egoistic). ‘Til one morning, I woke up feeling damn down for work. I was so weak, I didn’t even feel like going to work anymore. Why? Because I was doubting myself. All I have in my head was, am I up for this? Is this what I really want to do? Am I causing agony to other people? Am I not doing this right? What if this just isn’t for me? What if people are better off without me causing more harm to them?

All those…doubts, those…negative thoughts…really put me off my focus. Before I know, I woke up feeling like CRAP the next few days, all demoralised and dreading to go do what I’m supposed to do. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but, I can’t help it. I mean, come on, who wants to wake up feeling like shit and then dread work? You and I both know it’s not a good thing, yet I’m bounded to that negative pressure. All I was praying for was the week to end as quickly as possible, and for the weekends to stay. Well, for me, this whole week’s been rather slow. Compared to the first week. And my weekends are exceptionally fast, minus the fact that I have not been doing much productive things at home, hee. I REALLY NEED TO PUSH MYSELF TO STUDY NOW!!! Or else I’d be in deep shit, lol. My parents will kill me as well!

I can HARDLY WAIT to go back to KL! 5 weeks!!! 5 weeks of immense pleasure and home! And family! ♥ And I still get to spend at least 8 days with Iman, woo-hoo! Before she leaves me for U.K.. Can I go for a holiday to U.K. too please? *sad kitty’s eyes* I seriously need a break.

Gosh, I miss this guy. It’s been three months without him here and yes! I’m still coping well, lol. The only ways we’ve been using to keep connected are Skype, MSN, What’s App and SMSes. Of course I’m not going to deny missing him, –.- what’s the point denying anyway. People wondered how is it I managed to stay SANE without having him by my side for such a long time and all…well, guess what? Others go through further distance relationships. E.g. Shara and her love ♥. If I’m not wrong, he’s back in Maldives, and she’s still in China. See! That’s far, man! And besides, Jeff’s only back in KL for holidays and it’s only 3 months. Pfft. I should be thankful he’s not the other side of the globe where time zone is the big problem. Yet. But yay! He’s coming back on Wednesday!!! :D:D! Oh yeap I’m very glad indeed! Please remind me then to stop texting his Maxis number, lol! The best part is that my attachment is ending by then, but the sucky part is where my exams are starting then. Rawr! And the news ain’t that bad, wait til you hear the next one: I’m leaving right after exams. For 5 weeks. Lol, wtf. So him coming back and us meeting is sort of like some transition before we switch places. Gramps asked me why am I still happy then, knowing that he’ll be in Singapore and I’ll be back home, won’t I miss him even more and all; well honestly, I’ve been missing him for 3 whole months plus,what’s 5 more weeks right??? And besides, I’m going home, I deserve home, and I need home! ♥