So I’m sitting here staring at the screen, thinking, ‘Gee, at this rate, I’m going to need to wear my glasses again.’ I hope not. Life’s been pretty good WITHOUT my glasses. I didn’t need it permanently before, and I hope I won’t have to need it. I got to check my eye power sometime soon.
The whole day today I’ve been thinking about how angry I am at you. You broke my heart once too many times. I’ve been thinking about it and I kept wondering why I allowed you to keep breaking it. As much as you like to think you’re the victim in this case, I have to burst your bubble; you’re not. I am. I’ve been thinking again and again, why is it that I have to explain my actions to you? Why is it that you have to ask me ‘why’ for everything I do? And why I need to justify myself time and time again? I’m tired. I really am. You and I have got better things to do and you know it. I’m also tired…waiting on you, waiting on your empty promises about telling me everything. You know you don’t. You can try to convince me that you do. But you don’t. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask yourself what is it that you haven’t tell me? But if you really are that…dense, then I think you’ll just keep telling yourself and me that you’ve told me everything. Face it. I sense it more than you actually know. There are a lot that you haven’t tell me. And at this point, I don’t think I have much hope left in me to go and find out. I’m tired trying to probe around like some busybody, only to be disappointed when you say, “I’ll tell you soon, when I see you, I promise.” Which you rarely do. I can’t keep track for all the times you’ve done that, and all the stories that I’ve never known. You never remember them, and don’t expect me to remember what is it that you’re supposed to tell me. I’m not crazy. I don’t write down all the stories that you owe me. I just don’t understand why it’s difficult for you to just tell me, at that exact time when you remember. I don’t remember holding back when I talk to you. You crave stories from me, which I do fulfil, but you have no idea just how little I know about you.
This is merely the tip of the iceberg. There are so many other little things that you don’t seem to bother, that you don’t realize them hurting me bit by bit. But by now, I know I have to be stronger than I was previously. Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps I am stupid to even to be nice in the first place. But if you can’t be strong, then I have to be strong. If you want to just be an emotional wreck, then fine, go ahead. I kept trying to make excuses for you, but enough is enough. These 6 months here in Singapore opened my mind to a darker perception. The same perception you’ve tried to show me and scare me with when we first knew each other. It’s called life. This is life. You said you didn’t want me to change, that I should be the way I’ve always been. But you have no clue, by being just that, other darker beings try to overtake me. Maybe in a way, this is what you may call ‘growing up’. And this ‘growing up’ is probably turning me into a real bitch. If people around me are poison, I can’t let them poison me can I? It’s fight or flight. No way I’m running away. I can hide, but I cannot run. How else to learn, if not fight? You know perfectly well that life’s just cruel. You taught me how to be cruel too. Don’t forget that. And don’t deny that. Like I said, if you can’t be strong, then I have to be strong. I have to be way stronger than you are. I can’t let anything break me down, not you, not anyone. I don’t have much to lean myself onto, so I cannot break.
Don’t think for one minute that I never consider telling this to you, face to face. I have tried, but doing that has either caused more problems, or…caused me high blood pressure. Writing it out (or rather, typing) this way may be more efficient than telling it to you. Maybe the message might get to you, somehow, since you can’t interrupt my flow of words here. Every time we try to talk it out, you know how angry I become whenever you cut me mid-sentence. That just shows you simply refuse to listen to me, and maybe your lack of respect for me, for what I have to say. At least here, I can say them as I think, it’s a continuous flow. You may have a lot to say to me, if you ever read this, but let me just remind you, this is not all I have to say. I have to be more…of a man, than you are, even if you think it’s weird.
***
First week of college is definitely boring. Lol. Not to mention new modules, new classmates (We’ve got 2 this semester!), new lecturers and last but not least, new challenges. Oh, I recently plonked myself into dance, which is currently working on a musical which is to be the college production, like, for real! And it’s Broadway style! So far we’ve learnt the choreography for Mamma Mia!, All That Jazz (Honestly, I never learnt this choreo, I happily went for dance one day and copied the steps that everyone was doing cause while they learnt these steps, I was happily in KL!
), and Summer Night. I love doing Broadway musicals.
I think they’re just…so…impactful. Even if I’m not such an expert, but I love them anyway.
It actually gives me joy to dance to the lyrics of a song!
! Maybe I’m just excited already, oh! I don’t know! This musical is taking place in February 2010, so will update about that soon
! Currently we have practices every Tuesdays, Thursdays and even Saturdays! Busy, busy, busy already! Oooo! Guess what? I was sitting through my Biology lecture just the other day and towards the last 10 minutes of lecture, I got bored. Not meaning to brag, but we’re learning the nervous system now, and I sort of know the stuff almost by heart now. :S! I mean, I’m totally glad I’m getting some sort of revision, you know what I mean? Just to refresh all that I’ve learnt before, but I can’t help feeling a little…sleepy that moment. So guess what I did? I doodled a little poem on my lecture notes. Since I can’t really show you all my lecture notes, let me type it out here, so pretend you’re seeing it in MY handwriting, if you even know how it looks like, lol!
*ahem*! Imagine this (in my most cursive handwriting ever):
I love Biology.
Biology is beautiful,
Biology is wonderful,
Biology is oh-so-magical!
It can tell you A-Z,
about our human bodies,
Head to toe, left to right…
This was where I stopped cause just right at that point, lecture ended, and I was going through a word-block or some sort. Hee.
But honestly, this first week was actually crap. I mean, things didn’t go that smoothly. All the class conflicts and what not. Sigh. Hope things turn out for the better this coming week.
I’m being hopeful for the sake of staying optimistic. Or life would be terribly dreadful.
Toodles, peeps.
May you all have a good week ahead.